4.

Suddenly I am limp. I have no sense of feeling in my arms and legs, my fingers are carrying me away to another place. I hear people laughing in the distance I don’t know if they are laughing at me, at any rate I want to laugh too. I really really want to laugh – my usual bellowing deep laugh that scares little people away. 

But I must swallow my laugh and bury it deep in my gut. Sometimes my laugh rises up and gets stuck in my throat like an ugly lump a, big fat bulbous lump that keeps bobbing up and down like a grotesque Adam’s apple.

I can’t control my laugh any more, it seeks to escape, though no sound comes out, my eyes start to water and my ears begin to ring. My laugh is trying desperately to escape. It is no longer a beautiful entity that always reminded me of resounding bells or ripples. It has become a slimy tar-like goop that sloshes about silently. It has become a living-dead thing. Trying desperately to survive, but sometimes giving up and slinking back into my stomach, its refuge.

Poor laugh, you don’t know how desperately i want to release you, but how can I give freedom when I myself am bound inside my mental cage. Bound by my own ropes, by my own greed.  But never ever did I think that I would lose you dear laugh, I thought despite me tied up to this throne, hiding in my grey court, I still thought I would be able to laugh. I never thought my mouth would be gagged too.

I’m sorry laugh. I will seek your release but somehow I know I’ll be seeing less of you.